Even before the trip to the monastery I wanted to confess. When a priest serves alone in the parish, confession becomes a problem for him. Communion can be without confession, but for the soul it is still necessary to clean. Before taking the dignity, I, too, fought with sins, if I may, of course, say so. I thought that I had already overcome much in myself, I can live in peace and reap deserved fruits. Yes, there it was! The farther into the forest, the more firewood. Having become a priest, I saw that those passions that were considered to be completely crushed by me suddenly began to grow from thin sprouts into thick eucalyptus stems. And I realized that the struggle is really just the beginning. Therefore, the priest needs confession like air.
I thought to myself: 'Who from the fathers would ask me to confess? All are praying so diligently, it would be awkward to pull them away." I look and see that an old bent over elder comes to help us. I thought that this was one of the elders who lives here at the monastery, already being at peace. He stood in front of me, took the spear and also began to commemorate. Only he commemorated slowly. He reads the name, takes out a piece, thinks, then puts it on a platter. No, I thought, father, we're not going to make porridge like that with you. At this moment another young father approached us and began to help. And suddenly the elder turns to him and says:
- Cover me with the epitrachelion and read the prayer of absolution.
- Father, do you want me to confess you?
- No, you just read the prayer over me.
While the young father was praying, I decided: I would ask this elder to confess me. He will probably even be pleased that I will address him, and not to the young fathers.
Therefore, I say to the elder:
“Father, confess me.”
He in response silently nodded his head and assumed the confession’s usual pose. I got on my knees and began to repent. Here is a sin, I say, it hurts me the most. I sinned, father, pray for me. He prayed, looked down at me and said:
- And you, brother, sin no more.
I left him and thought:
- Indeed, how simple it all is - “but you sin no more,” and that's it!
Suddenly, from the main altar, a whole delegation of local servants of fathers and mothers from the monastery hurries to meet the elder.
- Batyushka Eli! Father Eli! We lost you. Mother Abbess told us to find you and to take you to her.
With visible regret, the elder laid aside the spear and followed them from the altar. But before putting the spear down, he looked up at me and repeated again:
“You just do not sin, that's all.”
I look after the departing elder and ask the young father:
- Father, who is this?
- What? Didn't you recognize him? It's Fr. Eli from Optina!
I was leaving Diveevo in high spirits. I traveled to the Reverend Seraphim, wanted to clean my soul, and he brought me to Fr. Eli.
To this day, that passion, in which I then repented before Father Eli, sometimes reappears. But each time, the elder’s gaze and his words come to the rescue: “But you simply do not sin.” And sin recedes.
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