Christmas letter.

Christmas letter.

This was several years ago. Everyone was going to celebrate Christmas, they were preparing a Christmas tree and gifts. And I was alone in a foreign country, no family, no friend; and it seemed to me that I was abandoned and forgotten by all people. There was emptiness around and there was no love: a distant city, strangers, callous hearts. And now, in melancholy and despondency, I remembered a bundle of old letters,which I managed to save through all the trials of our black days. I took it out of my suitcase and found this letter.

It was a letter from my late mother, written twenty-seven years ago. How lucky I am to remember it! It is impossible to retell it, it must be quoted in its entirety.

“My dear child, Nikolenka. You complain to me about your loneliness, and if you only knew how sad and painful it is for me from your words. With what joy I would come to you and convince you that you are not alone and cannot be alone. But you know, I can’t leave dad, he suffers a lot, and he may need my care every minute. And you have to study for exams and graduate from university. Well, let me at least tell you why I never feel alone.

You see, a person is lonely when he does not love anyone. Because love is like a thread that binds us to a loved one. So after all, we make a bouquet. People are flowers, and flowers in a bouquet cannot be alone. And as soon as the flower blooms properly and begins to smell sweet, the gardener will take it into a bouquet.

So it is with us humans. Whoever loves, his heart blooms and smells sweet; and he gives his love just like a flower gives its scent. But then he is not alone, because his heart is with the one he loves: he thinks about him, takes care of him, rejoices in his joy and suffers in his sufferings. He doesn't even have time to feel lonely or think about whether he is lonely or not. In love man forgets himself; he lives with others, he lives in others. And this is happiness.

I already see your questioning blue eyes and hear your quiet objection that this is only half of happiness, that the whole happiness lies not only in loving, but also in being loved. But there is a little secret here, which I will tell you in your ear: whoever really loves does not ask and does not skimp. You can’t constantly count and ask: what will my love bring me? Is reciprocity waiting for me? Or maybe I love more, but they love me less? and is it worth it for me to surrender to this love? .. All this is wrong and unnecessary; all this means that there is no love yet (not born) or no longer exists (died). This careful trying on and weighing interrupts the living stream of love flowing from the heart and delays it. The person who measures and hangs does not love. Then an emptiness forms around him, not penetrated and not warmed by the rays of his heart, and other people immediately feel it. They feel that around him is empty, cold and hard, turn away from him and do not expect warmth from him. This discourages him even more, and now he sits all alone, bypassed and unhappy ...

No, my dear, love must flow freely from the heart, and there is no need to worry about reciprocity. We must awaken people with our love, we must love them and by this call them to love. To love is not half happiness, but a whole happiness. Just admit it, and miracles will begin around you. Surrender to the flow of your heart, let your love go free, let its rays shine and warm in all directions. Then you will soon feel that jets of reciprocal love are flowing towards you from everywhere. Why? Because your direct, unintentional kindness, your continuous and unselfish love will imperceptibly evoke kindness and love in people.

And then you will experience this reciprocal, reverse flow not as “complete happiness”, which you demanded and achieved, but as undeserved earthly bliss, in which your heart will blossom and rejoice.

Nicholas, my child. Think about it and remember my words as soon as you feel alone again. Especially when I'm not on earth. And be calm and trustworthy: because the Lord is our gardener, and our hearts are flowers in His garden.

We both hug you tenderly, dad and I.

Your mother".

Thank you mom! Thank you for your love and comfort. You know, I always read your letter with tears in my eyes. And then, as soon as I finished reading it, they struck for the Christmas vigil. Oh, undeserved earthly bliss!

I.A. Ilyin.