NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that untold wealth could be yours for the “low, low price of half your immortal essence,” Satan, the Great Tempter and Prince of Darkness, announced this morning a Black Friday deal in which human beings could trade a mere 50% of their soul for a lifetime of riches. “If you’ve ever dreamed of being rich beyond your wildest imagination but didn’t want to give up your entire soul to do it, then I have a deal for you,” said the Father of Lies, speaking in hideous guttural tones as he explained that fortune, power, and influence had never been more affordable than they were right now to mortals who scrawled the promo code “MEPHISTOPHELES” in blood upon the door of their home. “Finally, it’s possible to become one of the wealthiest people on the planet while still retaining a small part of what makes you human. Act now before you end up poor and destitute! And don’t forget, I’m willing to match whatever offer God makes you. That’s a promise.” At press time, Satan had reportedly offered to throw in a free year of Apple TV+ with each qualifying purchase.
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